Gems from Friends

Well, as I had mentioned earlier, I shamelessly copy emails and SMSs in this blogs. So I ever I would get prize for this blog (some NOBEL sort of prize), in my speech I would dedicate that to "Ctrl+C" and "Ctrl+V". Just to show how serious I am, here are some cuts and pastes...:( I would also thank Sharon, Kamlesh, Bhaswati, Aditi and all others whose writings made me a writer, not now, but at the time of that prize)

A beggar to another beggar : I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

2nd beggar : How?

First begger : Someone gave me a Rs. 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, and enjoyed the dinner.
When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the police man and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs. 100/- note to the police fellow and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed.

An Italian Boy's Confession ................





“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”


The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”


“Yes, Father, it is.”


“And who was the girl you were with?”


“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”


“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”


“I cannot say.”


“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”


“I’ll never tell.”


“Was it Nina Capelli?”


“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”


“Was it Cathy Piriano?”


“My lips are sealed.”


“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”


“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”


The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”


“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Only those who have used an outhouse would appreciate this as much as I do. THE OUTHOUSE POEM The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"

DENIM BLUES

 

Denim jeans came as a boon to lazybones like me. We can wear a soiled trouser for another week with pride. I still remember the days when jean made a grand entry some three decades ago at the small town where I used to spend my childhood. It was the hottest topic to discuss even infront of girls' school. Some medical/ engineering students first started wearing it. For us, school kids' still wearing half pants, it was something to die for. We had seen it in pictures of heroes and heroines wearing in film magazines. In the pictures the rivets, the double stitches and particularly the faded portions on bum and groin areas made it look very mystic and seductive.

We all were dying to have a glimpse. Among my friends, we also had a smart aleck who can speak English with some extra stress on 'sshh..'. One day he came with his new found knowledge about the jeans and stated in a matter of fact tone, "You know, today I touched a jean pant. The yellow stitches were made out of copper wires. It was so strong that you put a jean pant on floor (without a pair of legs in it), it can stand upright. And the small pocket in right side is to hold bullets." We all envied him as we did not have any of our elder brothers or relatives wearing one. Then one day my mother saw a known medical student wearing a faded Levis jean. I got a fifteen minutes lecture about the virtues of a good student from my mother that day. "See!" blurted my mother, "He is reading in medical college and his father is very rich. Yet he is wearing such an old pant, probably his father's. And you, yet to be a matriculate, always demand for new cloths." It was futile to argue with her about the cost of that "old pair of pants".

After a year or so, I was lucky enough to have a pair of new denim trouser from my brother. After the school hour, I proudly put on my new treasure and went to show it off to my friends. Smarty was the first to comment on it. He came closer and inspected it by touching. "Hmm.., not a very good one. See these rivets are not made of copper. Still you have to know how to wash it. Take a brick and scrub the front upper portion of leg for 100 times, similarly 100 times for bum and 35 times for groin. And after two months you will have a lovely pair of faded jean pant." After that I spent nearly 30 minutes every Sunday to wash my denims. Once my grand father came to our house and saw me wearing one. He shouted, "Go and wear another pant immediately. How can you wear pants with leather of dead animals and loiter around and touch every thing?"

From that day I never wore denim jeans infront of him.

 

 

Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE .


The Bishop was buried the next day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on to the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised
you?"

"Here it comes."

DIFFERENT STYLES OF DRIVING

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. – Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn – Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator… – Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror – New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat – Italy

One hand on horn, one hand on holding gear, one ear listening to loud music, one ear on cell phone, one foot on accelerator, one foot on clutch, nothing on break, eyes on females in next car, – Welcome to INDIA!

Exam bloopers

Exam bloopers around the world. Had I been the examiner, I would love to give full marks to some of them, just for their originality...

Q- What is a Nitrate?

A- Much cheaper than a Day rate.

Q- What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?

A- He is a noted figure in history as he invented cigarette and started a craze for bi-cycles.

Q- What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?

A- Unusual names

Q- Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.

A- Learning to speak Latin

Q- Name one measure which can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of excessive rainfall (e.g- Mississippi).

A- Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Q- Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.

A- Two polar bears, three four seals.

Q- How does Romeo's character develop through out the play?

A- It does not. It was just self, self, self all the way through.

Q- Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the under world.

A- Mrs. Orpheus.

Q- Where was the American declaration of Independence was signed?

A- At the bottom.

Q- What happens during puberty to a boy?

A- He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

Q- What is the meaning of the word "Varicose"?

A- Close by

Q- What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?

A- Mariah Carey

Q- What is a fibula?

A- A little lie..

Q- Explain the phrase 'free press'.

A- When your mom irons trousers for you.

Q- Why would living close to a mobile phone cause ill health?

A- You might walk into it.

Q- Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand alone system. What is a stand alone computer system?

A- It does not come with a chair.

Q- Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?

A- He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q- Give a reason why people want to live near power lines.

A- You get your electricity faster.

Q- What is vibration?

A- There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in 1960s.

Q- Where was Hadrian's wall built?

A-Around Hadrian's garden.

Q- The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

A- Malaria.

Office rules

Gilbert's Observation.
The surest sign of a crisis is that when you have a major problem, no one tries to tell you how to do your job.

Randall's Reminder.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Caffyn's Law of "According to."
The rosier the news, the higher-ranking the official who announces it.

Ackley's Latest Finding.
If you are a big enough company, your mistakes become standards.

Air Force Inertia Axiom.
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Anonymous's Reminder to Mind the Real Objective.
Why worry about low tire pressure when you're out of gas.

Bastl's Law.
Through many years of diligence, perseverance, and hard work, one can successfully maintain one's position at the bottom of one's profession.

Bender's Laws.
(1) No two office machines are compatible. (2) In word processing, the worst typos remain invisible until the printout. If the typo also creates an error in fact, it will remain invisible until the letter is in the mail.

Berla's Version.
If you file it, you'll never need it. If you need it, you never file it.

Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy.
(1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder.

From where people get these weird jokes?

"African Roulette"

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.

"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."

The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."

Office office

One of my friend sent me. I favs are no. 6,7,8 1nd 16. I am working on the solutions.

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Office Quotes

• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
  Drew Carey
  

  
   

• Time is an illusion. Lunch time, doubly so. Douglas Adams
  

 

• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
  

  
   

• If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. Albert Grant
  

  
   

• His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours. Arthur Baer
  

  
   

• I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job. Samuel Goldwyn
  

  
   

• Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.Patrick Murray
  

  
   

• I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. Mark Twain
  

  
   

• Any organization is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top. John Imhoff
  

These are quotations on mug:

I Never Make Mistakes, I Thought I Did Once, But I Was Mistaken. 

TEAMWORK, a lot of people doing things my way 

TEAMWORK is never having to take all the blame yourself 

Let me drop everything and work on your problem

Spell check... it's impotent 

Those who think it's impossible shouldn't interrupt those who are doing it 

I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by 

I'm taking care of my procrastination issues, just you wait and see! 

Shall I rush this job before i rush the rush job I was rushing before you rushed in? 

Its not that I am always right , Its just that you seldom are! 

Don't take life so seriously . It isn't permanent 

You have the right to remain Silent , What you lack is the ability 

I like you, you remind me when I was young and stupid 

"I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel but it was just my boss with more work - and a torch

Work fascinates me. I could watch it for hours 

Don't interrupt Me While I'm Ignoring you 

Of all the days I hate most, Monday is my favorite.

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

Sensible Statements

Sensible Statements.

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said , he who never lived, cannot die!


7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!


8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!


12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
"chal daru la"…bring booze..sure helps!


13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

.................................................................................................................................... . This is a real tough one!! This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION: You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realise who it is........................... It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard) You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful hungry prejudiced men! THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer... Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Friendship

Friendship is not about "I m sorry " its about "abbe teri galti hai " Friendship is not about "I m there for u" or "I missed u " it's about "kahan marr gaya saale " Friendship is not about "I understand " its about "sab teri wajah se hua manhus" Friendship is not about "I care for u " its about "kamino tumhe chhod ke kahan jaunga " Friendship is not about "I m happy for ur success "its about "chal party de saale" Friendship is not about "I love that girl" its about "saalo izzat se dekho tumhari bhabhi hain " Friendship is not about "R u coming for outing tomorrow " its about " nautanki nahi, hum kal bahar ja rahe hai " Friendship is not about "Get well soon " its about " Itna piyega toh yehi hoga" Friendship is not about "All the best for ur career" its about " bahut hua, abhi toh switch mar

Think before you speak…

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of  her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Five Riddles

Needless to say, this is one forwarded mail and I can not answer even one of them :(

5 Riddles

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN......THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...



1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and gray when you throw it away?


4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday or Sunday?


5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

. . . . . . . .

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:


Answers:


1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?


2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).


3.. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.


4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!


5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

This poem is sent to me by one of my friend, who is one of the most intelligent, graceful and funniest (and sexiest, now are you happy….;) grandma I have ever met.

Here's a little poem for you.

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

before you're too damned old!

Things to say when you are stressed in work

We all have it. A bad day in office that ended in hissing the forbidden four lettered words. Now let us do that in style. So here are some stolen tips to fight off stress.

 

 

 

1. "You say I'm a b!tch like it's a bad thing?!" (Priceless)
   
2. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
   
3. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
   
4. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf@ck you!!!"
   
5. "Do I look like a f@cking people person!"
   
6. "Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after."
   
7. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
   
8. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
   
9. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
   
10. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
    
11. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to
    sleep yet"
    
12. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
    
13. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
    
14. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
    
15. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
    
16. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
    
17. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
    
18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
    
19. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"
    
20. "Earth is full. Go home."
    
21. "Aw, did I step on your poor, little bitty ego?"
    
22. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
    
23. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
    
24. "If a$$holes could fly, this place would be a freaking airport."
    
25. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"
    

 

 

 

Secretes' corner:

Question. Who is a Consultant?

Answer. A person who borrows your watch, tells you the time, pockets the watch and sends you a bill for it.

Question. What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?

Answer. In love marriage, you marry your own girlfriend. In an arranged marriage, you marry somebody else's girlfriend!

Innocence

> >
> > 
> >
> > While I sat in the reception area
> >                 of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man
> >                 in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went 
> >                 to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
> >                 and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make
> >                 small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
> >                 his mother's lap and  walked over to
> >                 the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the 
> >                 man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.  My
> >                 mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
> >
> > *****
> > As I was nursing
> >                 my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
> >                 daughter, Krissy, came into the room. 
> >                 Never having seen anyone breast feed
> >                 before, she was intrigued and full of all
> >                 kinds of questions about what I was doing.
> >                  After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
> >                 has some of those, but I don't think she knows
> >                 how to use them.'
> >
> > *****
> > Out bicycling
> >                 one day with my eight-year-old
> >                 granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a  little
> >                 wistful.  'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
> >                 to  be with your friends and you won't go
> >                 walking, biking, and  swimming with me like you do
> >                 now.  Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten years you'll be
> >                 too old to do all those things  anyway.'
> >
> > ******
> > Working as a pediatric
> >                 nurse, I had the difficult assignment
> >                 of giving immunization shots to  children. 
> >                 One day, I entered the examining room to give
> >                 four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she 
> >                 screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
> >                 not polite behavior.'  With that, the girl
> >                 yelled even  louder, 'No, thank you!  No, thank 
> >                 you!
> >
> > ******
> > On the way back from a Cub
> >                 Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
> >                 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
> >                 how do they get there in the first place?'  After my
> >                 son hemmed and hawed awhile,  my grandson finally
> >                 spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
> >                 up something, Dad.  It's okay if you don't
> >                 know the answer.'
> >
> > *****
> > Just before I
> >                 was deployed to Iraq , I  sat my eight-year-old
> >                 son down and broke the news to  him.  'I'm
> >                 going to be away for a long time,' I told 
> >                 him.  'I'm going to Iraq.'   'Why?' he
> >                 asked.  'Don't you know there's a war going
> >                 on  over there?'
> >
> > *****
> > Paul Newman
> >                 founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for 
> >                 children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
> >                 diseases.  One afternoon, he and is wife,
> >                 Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
> >                 the kids..  A counselor at a nearby
> >                 table, suspecting the young patients
> >                 wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
> >                 explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
> >                 possible.  Maybe you've seen his picture on
> >                 his salad dressing bottle?'  Blank
> >                 stares.  'Well, you've probably seen his face on
> >                 his lemonade carton.'  An eight-year-old girl
> >                 perked  up.  'How long was he missing?'
> >
> > *****
> > God's  Problem Now.
> >
> > His wife's graveside
> >                 service was just barely finished, when  there was
> >                 a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
> >                 bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
> >                 rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man
> >                 looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
> >                 'Well, she's there.
> >

Another gem of a forwarded mail called Therapy for insanity


Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso .
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Alive and Kicking

Alive and Kicking
(Rated- U/A)

This rating is just a marketing gimmick.

It is because the films with ‘Only for adults’ written on their posters always manage to attract crowds like pied pipers. I remember bunking classes to watch those shady films with ‘A’ certificates. Every time a girl appeared on screen we sat on the verge of the seat anticipating her to take off her clothes. Every time a man and woman are together in a scene, we waited with heavily thumping hearts thinking they would just throw their clothes and start some steamy love making. And almost all the times we were disappointed, and we showed our disappointment by kicking the chairs of the hall.

I would like to rate it ‘A’, but remembering our disappointments, I do not want to disappoint my friends. This rating is mainly to warn my friends about the bad English they would come across while reading. Like any honorable man, I do not want any of the kids to point out the grammatical mistakes. My spelling should be ok, thanks to the ‘right-click’ magic of the MS Word.

Yes, it was friends who wanted me to write. “You use so much of comical language- vroom, zapp, click etc., you should start writing.” this compliment was (or was it a left handed one) from one of my doe-eyed she-classmate. I was motivated enough to write a love letter to her, which never got posted. She used to borrow most of my notes.

In my job, my seniors and colleagues urged me to write reports for them praising my creativity. “There is nobody who can write a report like you, you are the best.” They would say with conspirational whispers dumping my table with files.

All these motivational crap made me dreamy eyed and most of the time I spent dreaming how I would behave after the publication of my first best seller. I dream about pretty women chasing me for my autograph, I dream of being a Male Shobha De churning out one after another erotica, I dream of being compared to P. G. Wodehouse for my wit and charm……….

Ahhh….dreams, dreams, why do they end ???

Then somebody pointed out this new “blog” thing to me. Yes, they are good. There are no editor, you never know if anyone or reading it or not. So, I started writing in two blogs about different issues wearing an intellectual mask, which was not me. So, here I am ‘Alive and Kicking’, writing about our own lives, our own thoughts without any mask. Another cause of starting this blog is to share all these wonderful forwarded mails which I receive from my friends. Some of them religiously forward any mail that is in their inbox. Most of them are censured versions which can not be shared publicly (but keep on forwarding them as I love them). But others are too good to delete. So I think I can share some of them here.

This name also has a root to an upset stomach. I was just boasting about starting a new blog infront of a young pretty girl with an upset stomach (now do not stare yaar, I am human too.) She asked disinterestedly, “Well, what is its name?”

Being caught unaware, I tried to steer the conversation asking her, “Well, forget it. How are you?”

“Alive”. She said is a very tired tone, then all of a sudden she literarily screamed, “Alive and Kicking! Hey, that’s the name of your blog.” We East Indian are always emotionally attached to upset stomachs. Every time we travel, we carry our ‘Pudin haras’ and ‘Gelusils’. So it was hard for me to think of any other name but this one. I would not have started this blog but for her endless reminder about being “Alive and Kicking”.

So here I am, alive and kicking……..

O x y m o r o n s

(from a forwarded mail)

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we?