Hilarious Human Resource Course

Job allocation for new employees.

1. Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and comeback after 6 hours.
4. Analyse the situation you find:

• If they are counting the books, put them in Accounting Department.
• If they are recounting, put them in auditing.
• If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
• If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
• If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operation.
• If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
•  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
• If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
• If they say they have tried different combinations,they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
• If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
• If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

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One afternoon a wealthy manager was driving in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied, "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But Sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there - under the tree."
"Bring them along", the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man with a pitiful voice then said, "But Sir, I also have a wife and six children with me..."
"Bring them all as well", the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Mr. Manager and said, " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you...!"
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost 1 meter long."

Lesson- Never trust managers!
&
There is nothing like KIND MANAGERS..!!

Various Gods and Their Roles in Heaven

Bramha- Systems Installation

Vishnu- System Administration & Support

Lakshmi- Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati- Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva- DBA (Crash specialist)

Ganesh- Quality Assurance and documentation

Narada- Data Transfer

Yama- Reorganisation and downsizing consultant

Chitragupta- IDP and Personal Records

Apsaras- Downloadable viruses

Devas- Mainframe programmers

Surya- Solaris administrator

Rakhashas- In-house hackers

Ravan- Internet explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarna- Zombie Process

Lakshman- Support software and backup

Hanuman- Linux/s 390

Valli- MS Windows

Sugreeva- DOS

Jatayu- Firewall

Dronachaya- System Programmer

Visyamitra- Sr. Manager, Projects

Shakuni- Annual appraisal  & promotion

Valmiki- Technical Writer (Ramayana signoff document)

Krishna- SDLC (Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle)

Dharmaraj Yudhisthir- ISO Consultant (CMM Level 5)

Arjun- Lead Programmer (All companies vying for him)

Abhimanyu – Trainee Programmer

Draupadi- Motivation and Team building

Bhima- MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhan- Microsoft product written in VB

Karna- Contact Programmer

Dhrutarastra- Visual C +++

Gandhari- Dreamweaver

Shani- Test engineer (Frequently detecting bugs)

 

 

 

 

 

GEMS FROM WHATSAPP POSTS

GEMS FROM WHATS APP POSTS:

I have to share them to preserve, due to my phones erratic behavior. Read it for fun only..

Secret formula for married couples:
"Love One Another"

And if doesnot work....
bring the last word in the middle!

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Philosophy of marriage-

At the beggining,
Every wife treats her husband as GOD.

somehow do not know why..
alphabets  get reversed..

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When you are in love,
Wonders happen

But once you get married,
you wonder what happened...

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What is the biggest advantage of having a crush in the same collage where you study?

Ans- 100% attendance... ;)

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What is the hieght of confusion?
Ans- Two earthworms playing hide and seek in a plate of noodles..

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A question asked in a talent test-
"If You are married to one of the twins sisters, how would you recognise your wife?

Best answer- Why the hell should I recognise..

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We pronounce 22 as twenty tow
33 as Thirty three
44 as Forty four
55 as Fifty five
Why not 11 as Onety one?
Doubt by last bench association...

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Why is facebook is such a hit?

It works on principle that People are more interested in others life than their own..

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When do you know you are in love?

Ans- when you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan...

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How to create the biggest doubt in your mind for you?

Just suddenly send her SMS saying "I love you too". (GAME OVER)

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Why do we write "etc" at the end in exams?
 Because it means'
E- End of
T- Thinking
C- Capacity
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Someone asked life- "Why you are so difficult?"
Life smiled and said." You people never appreciate easy things.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness....
But  because you deserve peace!

Unbelievable facts:
Our body is full of water,
but whereever it hurts, blood comes out.

Our heart is full of blood,
But whenever it hurts,tears come out...

If you have a magnetic personality  and yet people don't get attracted towards you, its not your fault..
They have IRON deficiency in their bodies..

SMS GEMs

Mobile nirjiv hai

SIM uski atma hai

SMS woh gyan hai jo bantne se badhta hai

Is liye He Prani Balance ke moh maya tyaag kar

Nirantar SMS kar

-XX-

If Columbus was married, he would never have discovered America.

Know why:

Where are you going?

With whom?

How are you going?

To discover what?

Why only you?

What do I do, when you are not here?

Why can't I come?

Coming back when?

Dinner ghar pe hi khaoge na?

Mere liye kya laoge?

America? Hah!!! Octroi naka bhi cross nehin kar pata Columbus...

-XX-

Ek Ameer admi ne Garib se pucha: "Acha ye batao, LOVE mehnat hai ya mazaa."

Garib ne bola" "Mazaa hi hoga Saab. Warna aap log ye bhi humse karwate"

-XX-

A Man's daily prayer: "Oh God, give us strength and capacity to pay Income tax, VAT, CST, Service Tax, ED, Octroi, TDS, ESI, FBT, Property Tax, Stamp Duty, CGT, Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, Education Cess, Congestion Levy, Bribes, Alms, Donations, EMIs, Loans, OD Interest, PPF, PF, NSC, Wheel Tax, Toll, Life Insurance, Mediclaim, Maintenance, Petrol, Conveyance, Groceries, Salaries, Wife ke demand, Girl friend ke nakhre

& If there is some money left, please let me have 2 pegs in peace.....Happy March End. ;)

-XX-

Cutest message: New born Baby asked Doctor, "Do you have mobile?"

Doctor, Yeah, but why?"

Baby, "Just wanted to send a message to GOD that I reached safely and send my girl friend soon."

-XX-

When I was 10:

Rubber meant eraser.

Ass meant Donkey.

Pussy meant Cat.

Cock meant Rooster.

Our thinking and perception surely has changed with time.....

-XX-

Question asked in a test: "If you are married to one of the twin sisters, how you would recognise your wife?"

The best answer was : "Why should I?"

-XX-

We know TAJ MAHAL as the symbol of love. But the other lesser known facts:

• Mumtaz was Shahjahan's 4^th wife out of his 7 wives.
  
• Shahjahan killed Mumtaz's husband to marry her.
  
• Mumtaz died in her 14^th delivery.
  
• He then married Mumtaz's sister.
  

Question arises...Where the Hell is LOVE???

-XX-

Father: If you fail in exams again, do not call me Dad!

After result was out, father asked: How is your result?

Son: Sorry yaar Damodar, tune apne aap ko baap kehlane ka haq kho diya re..

If you think positively-

Sound becomes Music.

Movement becomes Dance.

Smile becomes Laughter.

Mind becomes Meditation.

& Life becomes Celebration.

Try it......

Bhakt: Swamiji, Aisi Patni Ko Kya Kahenge Jo Gori Ho, Beatiful Ho, Lambi Ho, Intelligent Ho, Pati Ko Samjhe Aur Kabhi Jhagda Na Kare???

Swami Ji: AFWAH

-XX-

Government is thinking of changing it's emblem "Ashoka Pillar" to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the Government's political stance.

A condom allows inflation...

Halts production..

Destroys the next generation..

Protects a bunch of dicks...

And gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed...

-XX-

Wedding is the day when a Boy stands on a stage and watch other girls dressed beautifully and think "Why did not I see her before?"

-XX-

Sardar's son was filling a form. The form asked about Mother tongue. Son asked, "Papa! Mai Itthe ki Likhaan?" Sardar answered, " Likh Putter, LONG AND UNCONTROLLED."

-XX-

World's most amazing fact: The letters "A B C D" do not appear in the spelling of 1 to 99.

The D appears first time in HunDreD.

"A" appears first time in thousand.

"B" appears first time in Billion.

"C" appears first time in Crore...

-XX-

When Body was 1^st made, all parts wanted to be BOSS. Brain said I because I decide. Feet said us, so did heart, lungs, hands and eyes. Finally A##HOLE said I should be boss. All started laughing. So A##HOLE went on strike, blocked itself and refused to open. In short time hands cranked, eyes blurred, ears omitted hot air, brain went heavy, heart and lungs panicked. So everybody made it their boss.

MORAL- It does not matter How Talented You Are, ANY ASSHOLE Can Be Your Boss..!

-XX-

Doctor: You are looking very exhausted? Are you taking 3 meals as I had adviced?

Lady: Oh My God, I heard 3 males....

One more Gem from a friend

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Gems from Friends

Well, as I had mentioned earlier, I shamelessly copy emails and SMSs in this blogs. So I ever I would get prize for this blog (some NOBEL sort of prize), in my speech I would dedicate that to "Ctrl+C" and "Ctrl+V". Just to show how serious I am, here are some cuts and pastes...:( I would also thank Sharon, Kamlesh, Bhaswati, Aditi and all others whose writings made me a writer, not now, but at the time of that prize)

A beggar to another beggar : I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

2nd beggar : How?

First begger : Someone gave me a Rs. 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, and enjoyed the dinner.
When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the police man and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs. 100/- note to the police fellow and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed.

An Italian Boy's Confession ................





“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”


The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”


“Yes, Father, it is.”


“And who was the girl you were with?”


“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”


“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”


“I cannot say.”


“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”


“I’ll never tell.”


“Was it Nina Capelli?”


“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”


“Was it Cathy Piriano?”


“My lips are sealed.”


“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”


“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”


The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”


“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Only those who have used an outhouse would appreciate this as much as I do. THE OUTHOUSE POEM The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"

DENIM BLUES

 

Denim jeans came as a boon to lazybones like me. We can wear a soiled trouser for another week with pride. I still remember the days when jean made a grand entry some three decades ago at the small town where I used to spend my childhood. It was the hottest topic to discuss even infront of girls' school. Some medical/ engineering students first started wearing it. For us, school kids' still wearing half pants, it was something to die for. We had seen it in pictures of heroes and heroines wearing in film magazines. In the pictures the rivets, the double stitches and particularly the faded portions on bum and groin areas made it look very mystic and seductive.

We all were dying to have a glimpse. Among my friends, we also had a smart aleck who can speak English with some extra stress on 'sshh..'. One day he came with his new found knowledge about the jeans and stated in a matter of fact tone, "You know, today I touched a jean pant. The yellow stitches were made out of copper wires. It was so strong that you put a jean pant on floor (without a pair of legs in it), it can stand upright. And the small pocket in right side is to hold bullets." We all envied him as we did not have any of our elder brothers or relatives wearing one. Then one day my mother saw a known medical student wearing a faded Levis jean. I got a fifteen minutes lecture about the virtues of a good student from my mother that day. "See!" blurted my mother, "He is reading in medical college and his father is very rich. Yet he is wearing such an old pant, probably his father's. And you, yet to be a matriculate, always demand for new cloths." It was futile to argue with her about the cost of that "old pair of pants".

After a year or so, I was lucky enough to have a pair of new denim trouser from my brother. After the school hour, I proudly put on my new treasure and went to show it off to my friends. Smarty was the first to comment on it. He came closer and inspected it by touching. "Hmm.., not a very good one. See these rivets are not made of copper. Still you have to know how to wash it. Take a brick and scrub the front upper portion of leg for 100 times, similarly 100 times for bum and 35 times for groin. And after two months you will have a lovely pair of faded jean pant." After that I spent nearly 30 minutes every Sunday to wash my denims. Once my grand father came to our house and saw me wearing one. He shouted, "Go and wear another pant immediately. How can you wear pants with leather of dead animals and loiter around and touch every thing?"

From that day I never wore denim jeans infront of him.