This poem is sent to me by one of my friend, who is one of the most intelligent, graceful and funniest (and sexiest, now are you happy….;) grandma I have ever met.

Here's a little poem for you.

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

before you're too damned old!

Things to say when you are stressed in work

We all have it. A bad day in office that ended in hissing the forbidden four lettered words. Now let us do that in style. So here are some stolen tips to fight off stress.

 

 

 

1. "You say I'm a b!tch like it's a bad thing?!" (Priceless)
   
2. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
   
3. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
   
4. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf@ck you!!!"
   
5. "Do I look like a f@cking people person!"
   
6. "Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after."
   
7. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
   
8. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
   
9. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
   
10. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
    
11. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to
    sleep yet"
    
12. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
    
13. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
    
14. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
    
15. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
    
16. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
    
17. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
    
18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
    
19. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"
    
20. "Earth is full. Go home."
    
21. "Aw, did I step on your poor, little bitty ego?"
    
22. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
    
23. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
    
24. "If a$$holes could fly, this place would be a freaking airport."
    
25. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"
    

 

 

 

Secretes' corner:

Question. Who is a Consultant?

Answer. A person who borrows your watch, tells you the time, pockets the watch and sends you a bill for it.

Question. What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?

Answer. In love marriage, you marry your own girlfriend. In an arranged marriage, you marry somebody else's girlfriend!

Innocence

> >
> > 
> >
> > While I sat in the reception area
> >                 of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man
> >                 in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went 
> >                 to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
> >                 and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make
> >                 small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
> >                 his mother's lap and  walked over to
> >                 the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the 
> >                 man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.  My
> >                 mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
> >
> > *****
> > As I was nursing
> >                 my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
> >                 daughter, Krissy, came into the room. 
> >                 Never having seen anyone breast feed
> >                 before, she was intrigued and full of all
> >                 kinds of questions about what I was doing.
> >                  After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
> >                 has some of those, but I don't think she knows
> >                 how to use them.'
> >
> > *****
> > Out bicycling
> >                 one day with my eight-year-old
> >                 granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a  little
> >                 wistful.  'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
> >                 to  be with your friends and you won't go
> >                 walking, biking, and  swimming with me like you do
> >                 now.  Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten years you'll be
> >                 too old to do all those things  anyway.'
> >
> > ******
> > Working as a pediatric
> >                 nurse, I had the difficult assignment
> >                 of giving immunization shots to  children. 
> >                 One day, I entered the examining room to give
> >                 four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she 
> >                 screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
> >                 not polite behavior.'  With that, the girl
> >                 yelled even  louder, 'No, thank you!  No, thank 
> >                 you!
> >
> > ******
> > On the way back from a Cub
> >                 Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
> >                 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
> >                 how do they get there in the first place?'  After my
> >                 son hemmed and hawed awhile,  my grandson finally
> >                 spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
> >                 up something, Dad.  It's okay if you don't
> >                 know the answer.'
> >
> > *****
> > Just before I
> >                 was deployed to Iraq , I  sat my eight-year-old
> >                 son down and broke the news to  him.  'I'm
> >                 going to be away for a long time,' I told 
> >                 him.  'I'm going to Iraq.'   'Why?' he
> >                 asked.  'Don't you know there's a war going
> >                 on  over there?'
> >
> > *****
> > Paul Newman
> >                 founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for 
> >                 children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
> >                 diseases.  One afternoon, he and is wife,
> >                 Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
> >                 the kids..  A counselor at a nearby
> >                 table, suspecting the young patients
> >                 wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
> >                 explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
> >                 possible.  Maybe you've seen his picture on
> >                 his salad dressing bottle?'  Blank
> >                 stares.  'Well, you've probably seen his face on
> >                 his lemonade carton.'  An eight-year-old girl
> >                 perked  up.  'How long was he missing?'
> >
> > *****
> > God's  Problem Now.
> >
> > His wife's graveside
> >                 service was just barely finished, when  there was
> >                 a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
> >                 bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
> >                 rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man
> >                 looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
> >                 'Well, she's there.
> >

Another gem of a forwarded mail called Therapy for insanity


Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso .
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Alive and Kicking

Alive and Kicking
(Rated- U/A)

This rating is just a marketing gimmick.

It is because the films with ‘Only for adults’ written on their posters always manage to attract crowds like pied pipers. I remember bunking classes to watch those shady films with ‘A’ certificates. Every time a girl appeared on screen we sat on the verge of the seat anticipating her to take off her clothes. Every time a man and woman are together in a scene, we waited with heavily thumping hearts thinking they would just throw their clothes and start some steamy love making. And almost all the times we were disappointed, and we showed our disappointment by kicking the chairs of the hall.

I would like to rate it ‘A’, but remembering our disappointments, I do not want to disappoint my friends. This rating is mainly to warn my friends about the bad English they would come across while reading. Like any honorable man, I do not want any of the kids to point out the grammatical mistakes. My spelling should be ok, thanks to the ‘right-click’ magic of the MS Word.

Yes, it was friends who wanted me to write. “You use so much of comical language- vroom, zapp, click etc., you should start writing.” this compliment was (or was it a left handed one) from one of my doe-eyed she-classmate. I was motivated enough to write a love letter to her, which never got posted. She used to borrow most of my notes.

In my job, my seniors and colleagues urged me to write reports for them praising my creativity. “There is nobody who can write a report like you, you are the best.” They would say with conspirational whispers dumping my table with files.

All these motivational crap made me dreamy eyed and most of the time I spent dreaming how I would behave after the publication of my first best seller. I dream about pretty women chasing me for my autograph, I dream of being a Male Shobha De churning out one after another erotica, I dream of being compared to P. G. Wodehouse for my wit and charm……….

Ahhh….dreams, dreams, why do they end ???

Then somebody pointed out this new “blog” thing to me. Yes, they are good. There are no editor, you never know if anyone or reading it or not. So, I started writing in two blogs about different issues wearing an intellectual mask, which was not me. So, here I am ‘Alive and Kicking’, writing about our own lives, our own thoughts without any mask. Another cause of starting this blog is to share all these wonderful forwarded mails which I receive from my friends. Some of them religiously forward any mail that is in their inbox. Most of them are censured versions which can not be shared publicly (but keep on forwarding them as I love them). But others are too good to delete. So I think I can share some of them here.

This name also has a root to an upset stomach. I was just boasting about starting a new blog infront of a young pretty girl with an upset stomach (now do not stare yaar, I am human too.) She asked disinterestedly, “Well, what is its name?”

Being caught unaware, I tried to steer the conversation asking her, “Well, forget it. How are you?”

“Alive”. She said is a very tired tone, then all of a sudden she literarily screamed, “Alive and Kicking! Hey, that’s the name of your blog.” We East Indian are always emotionally attached to upset stomachs. Every time we travel, we carry our ‘Pudin haras’ and ‘Gelusils’. So it was hard for me to think of any other name but this one. I would not have started this blog but for her endless reminder about being “Alive and Kicking”.

So here I am, alive and kicking……..

O x y m o r o n s

(from a forwarded mail)

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we?