Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Hilarious Human Resource Course

Job allocation for new employees.

1. Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and comeback after 6 hours.
4. Analyse the situation you find:

  • If they are counting the books, put them in Accounting Department.
  • If they are recounting, put them in auditing.
  • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
  • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
  • If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operation.
  • If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
  •  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
  • If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
  • If they say they have tried different combinations,they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
  • If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
  • If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

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One afternoon a wealthy manager was driving in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied, "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But Sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there - under the tree."
"Bring them along", the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man with a pitiful voice then said, "But Sir, I also have a wife and six children with me..."
"Bring them all as well", the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Mr. Manager and said, " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you...!"
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost 1 meter long."

Lesson- Never trust managers!
&
There is nothing like KIND MANAGERS..!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Various Gods and Their Roles in Heaven

Bramha- Systems Installation

Vishnu- System Administration & Support

Lakshmi- Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati- Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva- DBA (Crash specialist)

Ganesh- Quality Assurance and documentation

Narada- Data Transfer

Yama- Reorganisation and downsizing consultant

Chitragupta- IDP and Personal Records

Apsaras- Downloadable viruses

Devas- Mainframe programmers

Surya- Solaris administrator

Rakhashas- In-house hackers

Ravan- Internet explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarna- Zombie Process

Lakshman- Support software and backup

Hanuman- Linux/s 390

Valli- MS Windows

Sugreeva- DOS

Jatayu- Firewall

Dronachaya- System Programmer

Visyamitra- Sr. Manager, Projects

Shakuni- Annual appraisal  & promotion

Valmiki- Technical Writer (Ramayana signoff document)

Krishna- SDLC (Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle)

Dharmaraj Yudhisthir- ISO Consultant (CMM Level 5)

Arjun- Lead Programmer (All companies vying for him)

Abhimanyu – Trainee Programmer

Draupadi- Motivation and Team building

Bhima- MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhan- Microsoft product written in VB

Karna- Contact Programmer

Dhrutarastra- Visual C +++

Gandhari- Dreamweaver

Shani- Test engineer (Frequently detecting bugs)

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, April 28, 2014

GEMS FROM WHATSAPP POSTS

GEMS FROM WHATS APP POSTS:

I have to share them to preserve, due to my phones erratic behavior. Read it for fun only..


Secret formula for married couples:
"Love One Another"

And if doesnot work....
bring the last word in the middle!

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Philosophy of marriage-

At the beggining,
Every wife treats her husband as GOD.

somehow do not know why..
alphabets  get reversed..

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When you are in love,
Wonders happen

But once you get married,
you wonder what happened...

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What is the biggest advantage of having a crush in the same collage where you study?

Ans- 100% attendance... ;)

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What is the hieght of confusion?
Ans- Two earthworms playing hide and seek in a plate of noodles..

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A question asked in a talent test-
"If You are married to one of the twins sisters, how would you recognise your wife?

Best answer- Why the hell should I recognise..

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We pronounce 22 as twenty tow
33 as Thirty three
44 as Forty four
55 as Fifty five
Why not 11 as Onety one?
Doubt by last bench association...

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Why is facebook is such a hit?

It works on principle that People are more interested in others life than their own..

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When do you know you are in love?

Ans- when you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan...

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How to create the biggest doubt in your mind for you?

Just suddenly send her SMS saying "I love you too". (GAME OVER)

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Why do we write "etc" at the end in exams?
 Because it means'
E- End of
T- Thinking
C- Capacity
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Someone asked life- "Why you are so difficult?"
Life smiled and said." You people never appreciate easy things.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness....
But  because you deserve peace!

Unbelievable facts:
Our body is full of water,
but whereever it hurts, blood comes out.

Our heart is full of blood,
But whenever it hurts,tears come out...

If you have a magnetic personality  and yet people don't get attracted towards you, its not your fault..
They have IRON deficiency in their bodies..