From where people get these weird jokes?

"African Roulette"

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.

"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."

The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."

Office office

One of my friend sent me. I favs are no. 6,7,8 1nd 16. I am working on the solutions.

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Office Quotes

• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
  Drew Carey
  

  
   

• Time is an illusion. Lunch time, doubly so. Douglas Adams
  

 

• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
  

  
   

• If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. Albert Grant
  

  
   

• His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours. Arthur Baer
  

  
   

• I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job. Samuel Goldwyn
  

  
   

• Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.Patrick Murray
  

  
   

• I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. Mark Twain
  

  
   

• Any organization is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top. John Imhoff
  

These are quotations on mug:

I Never Make Mistakes, I Thought I Did Once, But I Was Mistaken. 

TEAMWORK, a lot of people doing things my way 

TEAMWORK is never having to take all the blame yourself 

Let me drop everything and work on your problem

Spell check... it's impotent 

Those who think it's impossible shouldn't interrupt those who are doing it 

I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by 

I'm taking care of my procrastination issues, just you wait and see! 

Shall I rush this job before i rush the rush job I was rushing before you rushed in? 

Its not that I am always right , Its just that you seldom are! 

Don't take life so seriously . It isn't permanent 

You have the right to remain Silent , What you lack is the ability 

I like you, you remind me when I was young and stupid 

"I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel but it was just my boss with more work - and a torch

Work fascinates me. I could watch it for hours 

Don't interrupt Me While I'm Ignoring you 

Of all the days I hate most, Monday is my favorite.

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

Sensible Statements

Sensible Statements.

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said , he who never lived, cannot die!


7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!


8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!


12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
"chal daru la"…bring booze..sure helps!


13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

.................................................................................................................................... . This is a real tough one!! This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION: You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realise who it is........................... It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard) You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful hungry prejudiced men! THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer... Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Friendship

Friendship is not about "I m sorry " its about "abbe teri galti hai " Friendship is not about "I m there for u" or "I missed u " it's about "kahan marr gaya saale " Friendship is not about "I understand " its about "sab teri wajah se hua manhus" Friendship is not about "I care for u " its about "kamino tumhe chhod ke kahan jaunga " Friendship is not about "I m happy for ur success "its about "chal party de saale" Friendship is not about "I love that girl" its about "saalo izzat se dekho tumhari bhabhi hain " Friendship is not about "R u coming for outing tomorrow " its about " nautanki nahi, hum kal bahar ja rahe hai " Friendship is not about "Get well soon " its about " Itna piyega toh yehi hoga" Friendship is not about "All the best for ur career" its about " bahut hua, abhi toh switch mar

Think before you speak…

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of  her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Five Riddles

Needless to say, this is one forwarded mail and I can not answer even one of them :(

5 Riddles

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN......THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...



1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and gray when you throw it away?


4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday or Sunday?


5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

. . . . . . . .

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:


Answers:


1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?


2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).


3.. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.


4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!


5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.