Gems from Friends

Well, as I had mentioned earlier, I shamelessly copy emails and SMSs in this blogs. So I ever I would get prize for this blog (some NOBEL sort of prize), in my speech I would dedicate that to "Ctrl+C" and "Ctrl+V". Just to show how serious I am, here are some cuts and pastes...:( I would also thank Sharon, Kamlesh, Bhaswati, Aditi and all others whose writings made me a writer, not now, but at the time of that prize)

A beggar to another beggar : I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

2nd beggar : How?

First begger : Someone gave me a Rs. 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, and enjoyed the dinner.
When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the police man and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs. 100/- note to the police fellow and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed.

An Italian Boy's Confession ................





“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”


The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”


“Yes, Father, it is.”


“And who was the girl you were with?”


“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”


“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”


“I cannot say.”


“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”


“I’ll never tell.”


“Was it Nina Capelli?”


“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”


“Was it Cathy Piriano?”


“My lips are sealed.”


“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”


“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”


The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”


“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Only those who have used an outhouse would appreciate this as much as I do. THE OUTHOUSE POEM The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"

DENIM BLUES

 

Denim jeans came as a boon to lazybones like me. We can wear a soiled trouser for another week with pride. I still remember the days when jean made a grand entry some three decades ago at the small town where I used to spend my childhood. It was the hottest topic to discuss even infront of girls' school. Some medical/ engineering students first started wearing it. For us, school kids' still wearing half pants, it was something to die for. We had seen it in pictures of heroes and heroines wearing in film magazines. In the pictures the rivets, the double stitches and particularly the faded portions on bum and groin areas made it look very mystic and seductive.

We all were dying to have a glimpse. Among my friends, we also had a smart aleck who can speak English with some extra stress on 'sshh..'. One day he came with his new found knowledge about the jeans and stated in a matter of fact tone, "You know, today I touched a jean pant. The yellow stitches were made out of copper wires. It was so strong that you put a jean pant on floor (without a pair of legs in it), it can stand upright. And the small pocket in right side is to hold bullets." We all envied him as we did not have any of our elder brothers or relatives wearing one. Then one day my mother saw a known medical student wearing a faded Levis jean. I got a fifteen minutes lecture about the virtues of a good student from my mother that day. "See!" blurted my mother, "He is reading in medical college and his father is very rich. Yet he is wearing such an old pant, probably his father's. And you, yet to be a matriculate, always demand for new cloths." It was futile to argue with her about the cost of that "old pair of pants".

After a year or so, I was lucky enough to have a pair of new denim trouser from my brother. After the school hour, I proudly put on my new treasure and went to show it off to my friends. Smarty was the first to comment on it. He came closer and inspected it by touching. "Hmm.., not a very good one. See these rivets are not made of copper. Still you have to know how to wash it. Take a brick and scrub the front upper portion of leg for 100 times, similarly 100 times for bum and 35 times for groin. And after two months you will have a lovely pair of faded jean pant." After that I spent nearly 30 minutes every Sunday to wash my denims. Once my grand father came to our house and saw me wearing one. He shouted, "Go and wear another pant immediately. How can you wear pants with leather of dead animals and loiter around and touch every thing?"

From that day I never wore denim jeans infront of him.

 

 

Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE .


The Bishop was buried the next day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on to the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised
you?"

"Here it comes."

DIFFERENT STYLES OF DRIVING

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. – Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn – Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator… – Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror – New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat – Italy

One hand on horn, one hand on holding gear, one ear listening to loud music, one ear on cell phone, one foot on accelerator, one foot on clutch, nothing on break, eyes on females in next car, – Welcome to INDIA!

Exam bloopers

Exam bloopers around the world. Had I been the examiner, I would love to give full marks to some of them, just for their originality...

Q- What is a Nitrate?

A- Much cheaper than a Day rate.

Q- What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?

A- He is a noted figure in history as he invented cigarette and started a craze for bi-cycles.

Q- What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?

A- Unusual names

Q- Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.

A- Learning to speak Latin

Q- Name one measure which can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of excessive rainfall (e.g- Mississippi).

A- Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Q- Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.

A- Two polar bears, three four seals.

Q- How does Romeo's character develop through out the play?

A- It does not. It was just self, self, self all the way through.

Q- Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the under world.

A- Mrs. Orpheus.

Q- Where was the American declaration of Independence was signed?

A- At the bottom.

Q- What happens during puberty to a boy?

A- He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

Q- What is the meaning of the word "Varicose"?

A- Close by

Q- What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?

A- Mariah Carey

Q- What is a fibula?

A- A little lie..

Q- Explain the phrase 'free press'.

A- When your mom irons trousers for you.

Q- Why would living close to a mobile phone cause ill health?

A- You might walk into it.

Q- Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand alone system. What is a stand alone computer system?

A- It does not come with a chair.

Q- Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?

A- He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q- Give a reason why people want to live near power lines.

A- You get your electricity faster.

Q- What is vibration?

A- There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in 1960s.

Q- Where was Hadrian's wall built?

A-Around Hadrian's garden.

Q- The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

A- Malaria.

Office rules

Gilbert's Observation.
The surest sign of a crisis is that when you have a major problem, no one tries to tell you how to do your job.

Randall's Reminder.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

Caffyn's Law of "According to."
The rosier the news, the higher-ranking the official who announces it.

Ackley's Latest Finding.
If you are a big enough company, your mistakes become standards.

Air Force Inertia Axiom.
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Anonymous's Reminder to Mind the Real Objective.
Why worry about low tire pressure when you're out of gas.

Bastl's Law.
Through many years of diligence, perseverance, and hard work, one can successfully maintain one's position at the bottom of one's profession.

Bender's Laws.
(1) No two office machines are compatible. (2) In word processing, the worst typos remain invisible until the printout. If the typo also creates an error in fact, it will remain invisible until the letter is in the mail.

Berla's Version.
If you file it, you'll never need it. If you need it, you never file it.

Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy.
(1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder.